Well, it's no longer a secret that Jed and I are expecting our first baby in September. If you haven't heard the news yet, I will consider that a good sign that I haven't blasted the world too heavily with my enthusiastic posts or grumbling whines.
Pregnancy is harder than I thought it would be. I am currently approaching my 15th week, and I am still waiting for some relief from constant nausea, forcing food down (and often having it come back up), headaches, and never-ending sleepiness. Even with my prescription strength anti-nausea medicine, it is still a constant burden.
With all that being said, I honestly feel blessed that I have had the nausea. It is a constant (literally) reminder that my baby is growing and thriving inside of me. While my meager 15 (and 2 of those I wasn't even pregnant for) weeks of pregnancy have been some of the hardest in recent memory, they have also been some of the very sweetest weeks of my life.
I have always said, and been told, that my emotions are very intense, and pregnancy has magnified this trait and created an emotional monster out of me. Not only am I quick to fury, I am quick to get over it. Obviously I find myself blissfully happy while dreaming of our new addition, but most of all, I am as weepy as I could ever imagine. I learned very early on that I cannot entertain stories of infant loss or miscarriage. One night, at about 6 weeks, Jed came home to me bawling hysterically after reading a sad blog about a mom who had just lost her 18 month ld son. I was a mess.
And my tears are not limited to sad stories. I cry while driving to work and listening to morning radio. I cried when Jed brought me a half dozen sweet toothe fairy cupcakes because that was the only thing that sounded remotely tasty. I cry when people cry around me. Fast And Testimony meeting is an open invitation for my tears. The slightest thoughtful gesture will throw me over the edge. A moment of embarassment, uncomfort, or dissatisfaction are too much to handle (think incorrect order at fast food restaurant). But what gets me more than anything else ever does or could? Thinking of my sweet little baby growing inside of me and all of the memories we have yet to create together as a family. Literally, I am crying right now. Please forgive.
The title of this post comes from one of the greatest moments so far in my short little life. Until the 12th week, pregnancy is all side affects and no solid evidence that ther really is something there. When Jed and I went to hear the heartbeat, I knew it would be gratifying--proof that I wasn't having a hysterical pregnancy (another one of my irrational fears). While the doctor searched for the heartbeat, I held my breath hoping it was there. Then.... Magic. "There's your baby," he said.. And we heard the wah,wah,wah... And I couldn't help the tears from forming in my eyes.
Anyway, I guess the point is this... I have been waiting many years to feel "ready" for this step in life. And while I still feel completely incapable, and while I am sick every second of every day, and while I have lost control, of so many aspects of my life, and even with thousands of unanswered questions about how we will survive this, I am happy. I am so unbelievably happy, and I feel so blessed. I will not take this blessing for granted, and I thank Heavenly Father every day for allowing me to be one of the lucky ones.
So please bear with me through the next 25 weeks of pregnancy and lifetime of pictures and brags after that. We need your prayers and support, and are so grateful for all we have received already.